Random thoughts, some more meaningless than others, from a Southern-raised gal living and loving in San Francisco, California
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Tequila is the devil Really. If I ever try to cajole you into doing shots with me, warn me ahead of time that I'm already too drunk to make any decisions. Also, remind me that I will be praying to the porcelain priestess in my apartment (or perhaps the pavement if I don't make it into the apartment) and wind up sleeping in the same clothes that I partied in and wearing my underwear on my head (bad picture, I know).
Last night, I went to a yelp.com Elite event and met T - aka SUKI- there. I'm so out of practice with the whole socializing "just for fun" thing. Like I have said before, I'm an introverted extrovert.
Yet, the best way to bring my extroverted side out is to fill me with alcohol. Then, you have to pay me to shut up or to stop dancing. *sigh*.
So, T, now you know that I'm a sloppy drunk. That I'm much more chatty on the blog than in person and I miss my boyfriend. Oh...and you know the other little secret, too. MUM'S THE WORD!!!
Never thought it would happen That I would be thankful for work as a distraction. I'm sure that my colleagues/cube-mates were suprised at how industrious I actually was today. Sure, I came in near 9:45, instead of 8. I've been having a bit of a problem with insomnia since my L. has been away. Today, I spent my day reviewing SOPs, spreadsheets, budget projections, invoices, calling recalcitrant MDs and working on my meeting agenda for a meeting that I'm leading tomorrow afternoon. I really haven't had time to miss my boyfriend today.
Well....that isn't exactly true. Out of the blue, my boyfriend called me at work during lunch time. I was totally caught of guard. I had answered the phone in my standard way: "Good afternoon, H. speaking, how can I help you". You can tell from that greeting that I have a long history of customer service, right? Anyhow, I heard the sweetest sound on the other end: my boyfriend's laughter. We talked for less than 15 minutes b/c I was right in the middle of agenda creation at that time and with the whole cube environment, it is rather awkward having a personal, private conversation around colleagues. It seems like he is resting and relaxing with his family. He thinks that he has adjusted to the time difference now and doesn't have jet-lag. It was so nice to hear from him and to know that he is safe.
After work, I actually made it into my Bikram Yoga class. UUGH. It was hard getting back into the groove. It seemed ultra humid today in the studio and I almost blacked out during the tree pose. Luckily, I calmed myself down and had an internal pep talk session in my head to stick through the remainder of the practice and focus on my balance. I came out of yoga feeling rather nauseated, which is odd. I'm usually not sickly like that. Yet, it has been about 2 weeks since I've been into yoga due to work and my illness. The good thing is that my eagle and standing head to knee poses were not affected by my time away from the studio...I hit those with ease and grace.
I was going to go to the movie theater tonight after yoga, but decided against it. I'm going to focus on sleeping...and hopefully, tomorrow, after a yelp.com event that I plan on attending, I'll have a chance to clean my disgusting apt. My cat has been using the floor like toilet paper again. GROSS...
Movie central With mon L. away in France, I put all my efforts in keeping myself occupied and well amused. After dropping my boyfriend off at the airport yesterday, I returned home to bed and after reading a couple of chapters of "Chosen By A Horse", I capitulated to my desire to sleep. I hadn't slept very well the night before because I was dreading L's departure. So, after he was safely on a plane, I think that I finally shut down.
Therefore, I got a rather late start to the day. When I awoke, I had a txt message from L. indicating that he had tried to call, but that I wasn't picking up, so he decided to send a text instead of leaving a v-mail *scratching my head*. The message was short, but indicated that he had made is safely to Dulles (D.C.) and was about to board the plane from D.C. to Paris and that he would text or e-mail once he was in France. I was bummed that I had missed his call and didn't really know what I would do with myself to alleviate the empty feeling that I had in my heart. I just knew that I needed to do something to prevent myself from moping.
Eventually, I decided to finish my horse book. Then, I fed myself. I wrote two blog entries here on blogger and then, also entered one on vox. I played with Facebook and after wasting an hour just piddling around on the computer, I finally received an e-mail message from my boyfriend, which indicated that he and his family were at his mom's house and that his head was hurting so he was headed to take a nap.
*sigh*
Instead of sitting around being depressed, I decided to take a shower and then, to go through the motions of fixing my hair and putting on make-up. I debated whether I would go out with some friends to a gay club, but I decided that I wanted to be by myself. I wanted to do something that I RARELY do when with my boyfriend. Without another second of hesitation, I went online and purchased a movie ticket. As a reminder, my boyfriend HATES movie theaters. He thinks that it is such a rip-off. He gets irate with the uncomfortable chairs, rude movie theater staff, obnoxious movie goers, the possible microbes and germs lingering in movie theater chairs...the list could go on and on.
So, last night, I went to the AMC theater on Van Ness and watched the Woody Allen directed movie, "Vicky Cristina Barcelona". It was interesting, as most of his films are. A little neurotic, like he is. Yet, I enjoyed the scenery, I liked most of the dialogue and loved the intricacies of the relationships between the main characters. One thing that I DIDN'T like was the narration...uugh. I know that is so Woody Allen's style, but it felt so out of place with all of the interesting dialogue. Plus, I don't know...the acting felt contrived in some parts. I did develop a healthy respect for Penelope Cruz and her acting abilities in this movie, though. In addition, I thought that Javier Bardem's character was super steamy HOT and sensual.
Today, I missed yoga (again) and went to the carwash (queue Rose Royce disco music here..."Workin' at the car wash, girl..") with L's car, which was absolutely FILTHY. He never washes that darned automobile. So, I am glad that he is not here so I can hijack that disgusting excuse of a vehicle! After the car wash, I headed to Union Square to return a sweater to Banana Republic. That was pretty damaging for my bank account, I ended up buying 3 tops and 2 dresses. *sigh*. What I was really looking for was a pair of ankle boots and some flat shoes for clubbing, but I didn't find anything. I even went to BCBG to see what was left of their summer sale and nada. I did end up buying some bras over at Vicky's Secret, but I must tell you, I am so hating their lingerie now. I need to make a foray to "Les Cent Culottes" in Russian Hill. After all the "human" shopping, I headed to Pet Express in Castro for some kitty and bunny supplies. Unfortunately, the parking lot was OVERFLOWING with cars so I decided that I would return at another time (probably during the week).
Instead, I found myself driving back home and inspired to take in ANOTHER movie. I ran over (literally) to the Sundance Kabuki theater near my apartment and at the last moment purchased a ticket to watch the big-screen version of "Mamma Mia!". I must admit that I prefer the musical theater version. The movie had all the right components, well known actors mixed with burgeoning new talent. Yet, I was disappointed. Live theater is SO MUCH MORE interesting to me.
Yet, I liked Amanda Seyfried in this movie and had no clue until I searched in IMDb that she used to perform on Broadway and had operatic training. Her voice is AMAZING.
On the other hand, not so amazing was Pierce Brosnan's attempt at singing. Don't get me wrong, the guy is SMOKIN' HOT. Even though he is an older gentleman and has put on some pounds, I still think he is one handsome fella. I will never, ever forget his television character Remington Steele (HOT, HOT, HOT) and how I had a wild pre-pubescent crush on him when I was like...uhmm...5 years old *haha*. I remember that I once told my mom that I wanted to marry a man as beautiful as Remington Steele when I grew up. His Irish accent is TO DIE FOR *sigh*. He is so dreamy *giggle* *sigh* *sigh* Unfortunately, even with my adoration of his acting, good looks and blue eyes, I can't say that I like his singing. It was painful. Not that I can sing any better, mind you. His singing belongs in an Irish bar bellowing drinking songs and toasts to all those around him. It doesn't really fit the whole ABBA vibe. Bless his heart!!!
Okay, even though I didn't LOVE the movie, it kept my mind off of my boyfriend and was a good way to waste 2 hours. I heart ABBA, but my favorite song from Mamma Mia is below:
Such beautiful sadness Being a Cancer, and a Wood Rabbit to BOOT, my emotions are as unfathomable as the sea and as deep and dark as the forest. I change my moods and wear my feelings like the clothes on my body. My mother constantly reminded me that showing emotions was a sign of weakness. I know that she meant to toughen me up for all that life can throw at an individual, yet, it really had the opposite effect. Where my mom built calluses around her heart, I struggled to open my heart for the WHOLE WORLD to see.
It is strange to think now of how miserable and insecure I felt as a child. How angry I was at the world and my parents for all that I felt had been heaped upon my small shoulders. I carried around in my heart such sadness. Strangely, all of the sadness that I felt for a good 28 years of my life just disappeared when I relocated to San Francisco and finally gave myself the permission to heal, feel, live and LOVE in the moment.
When I found L, I had finally begun to let all of the toxic, negative energy go. San Francisco had worked its magic and had brought peace and balance into my life. I had rocky relationships and shed many tears before I met my boyfriend, but once he stepped into my life it was like a breath of fresh air. It was almost as if, by associating with someone so unencumbered and positive, all of my accumulated, self-inflicted, emotional baggage just fell to the wayside. I left all of the drama behind and was finally able to be me.
My boyfriend loves me for me. He loves my passionate defiance, my fiery temper, my rude words, my depth of emotion, my love for all things living and my curiosity. Since I met him in that little Sushi bar in Noe Valley in November 2005, my world has been a better, happier, less ugly place.
Friends comment that we are joined at the hip and I can't deny it. When I'm with him, even when I'm annoyed with him, I feel safe. Even when we argue, which we do passionately, I am happy that he has chosen to love me enough to look past my fear, past my defenses and past the bullshit.
These days, I am so happy that I often fail to remember a time when I thought that I was damaged goods. Lo's constancy and his presence in my life is a testament that my initial low self-assessment was way off base. It didn't help that my own tattered self worth through my youth and young adulthood was mirrored by all of my failed relationships. Most importantly, when I lost THE FIRST LOVE of my life, I felt that everything that I had ever thought about myself was true. I was afraid that I was irreparable from all of the emotional baggage that was stored in my heart and head.
It is strange for me to recognize the beauty in the pain and sadness that I felt back then. I could never appreciate that beauty while I was suffering from it; yet, I can see how much more human and loving it has made me over the years. Living through horrendous life-altering experiences has made me extremely thankful for all the POSITIVE and WONDERFUL things that I have in my life now.
Even as I reminisce tonight in my silent apartment, I no longer feel hurt by the images that are running through my mind. It is almost as if the moments that I remember happened to another person and I can almost see the replay objectively. In fact, I still feel sad for the girl in my memories, but there is such an excruciating beauty and grace about how strongly and seriously that she, I mean I, mourned each loss of love and innocence. I am proud that through all of the peaks and valleys that I did not let sadness rob me of the belief that I would love again. I get teary eyed remembering how alone the "me" in my memories felt back then, yet how she kept moving forward knowing that someday she would find a person that was worthy of her love and that could give and receive love equally. In retrospect, I would not trade any of those heart breaks, including the one with my first true love. As I reflect, I do have good memories of the times that I spent with all of those that I have left and of those who willingly left me. Each fracture in my heart has made me so strong and caused met to re-evaluate myself. My journey of self-discovery that resulted from each break-up made me realize how much I needed to love myself before I could give love to anyone else.
Today, I pressed my hand against the glass windows near the security exit at SFO as my boyfriend mouthed "Je t'aime, mon bebe" and I let the tears fall. I can't believe that I finally have found someone who is my emotional equal and I was happy and sad all at once. I mouthed the words "moi aussi" back to him before I escaped to the short-term parking garage. Right now, he must be on his way from the Charles de Gualle Airport to his mom's place in the Northern French countryside.
As I sit here typing up this post about the beauty of sadness, I keenly feel L's absence from this apartment. It digs a whole in my heart and makes me feel a wave of emotions, which in itself is a very beautiful thing. I can't imagine how different my life could have been if either one of us hadn't shown up for that blind date in November 2005. I don't think that the girl in my memories would have imagined that she could feel so strongly about anyone like I feel for my little Lo...
Same old, same old Nothing much to report here on the H. front, which is great. Life is pretty much the same routine: Sleep, Eat, Work and REPEAT. Or, if you are French: Metro, Boulot, Dodo.
Lo and I went rafting this past Sunday with some of my friends on the American River. We and 6 of my friends rented a raft from American River Raft Rentals, packed some coolers and launched our rental into the American River in Rancho Cordova. It took us about 4 lazy hours to reach our "final" destination. Partly because we kept stopping so that my fellow boaters could uhmmm...relieve themselves and partly because we were so involved in water fights with our squirt guns that we hardly noticed the time passing. It was good times for all involved and we're planning our next trip for Sept. 14th. Of course, 3 of us will probably be suffering from hangovers from the Janet Jackson concert, which we are attending the night before the rafting trip.
In a few days my boyfriend will be returning to France to visit his family. Due to my work committments and limited vacation flexibility at the moment, I will not be tagging along :-(. It seems as if this is an annual occurrence for us and we've pretty much got the routine down pat at this time. We spend about 2 weeks before the trip ignoring that he is about to leave and the week before, I start to feel sad. Then, on the day of his departure, we both are blubbering like idiots in the airport. I feel lonely and sad for the first couple of nights, then, begin to fill my days and nights with MIND NUMBING things to do. I purposefully action pack my days. I channel my my "single self" and then, by day 4, I'm well on my way to feeling normal. He is usually gone for 2 weeks when he goes back to France, so while he is out and about re-connecting with friends and family back home, I rarely get to speak with him via Skype or IM. Long gone are the days when we spend HOURS on the phone because we are madly in love. Now, the intensity and fear has worn off. I think that it puts us both in a better place. He can enjoy time with his family and friends and I can enjoy my time alone or with friends. It is a win-win.
So, this go-round, I plan on going to: 1) the symphony, 2) the theater, 3) Stern Grove, 4) out to the clubs with my gay friends 5) to the movies and 6) Napa and Santa Rosa. In addition, I plan on knocking out some reading and re-focus on going back to the gym and to yoga (I've been eerily MIA from both disciplines for the past two weeks). I also will return to my running, which I abandoned because of my cold 2 weeks ago.
The only thing is that right now, I'm feeling blah about L. leaving. We are in a really good place these days. I think that he said it best yesterday morning while I was using some subtle tactics to try and manipulate him into staying to talk with me longer instead of going to take his morning shower, "I know what you're doing, I now know you too well". Well, the knowing each other so well that our lives reminds me of dance partners who have been together for many years. We ebb and flow with each other so well that when we are forced to dance alone, it feels weird.
I have my work to delve into at the moment. Things are crazy at my company. I've got a lot of things on my mind. A member of my project team is transitioning off (big surprise) and no one will be replacing her. As a result, I'll be flying solo with no support manager to assist. I feel strongly that I'll be okay. I've lead a project solo through maintenance and closure in the past. Yet, it just means extra work hours for the first few weeks for me to add the extra balls into the juggling pattern. I'll be fine after the dust settles.
At last my love has come along my lonely days over and life is like a song
Ooh, yeah, yeah At last the skies above are blue My heart was wrapped up in clover the night I looked at you
I found a dream that I could speak to A dream that I can call my own I found a thrill to press my cheek to A thrill that I have never known Ohh, yeah, yeah
You smile you smile Ooh and then the spell was cast And here we are in heaven for you are mine at last
~Etta James
My own words can't explain how I feel at this moment, so I thought I would borrow from one of my favorite classics.
Dancing until dawn Have I mentioned before how much I love to dance? I don't have any musical talents or skills; therefore, I don't play any musical instruments. My singing voice is alright, but I know that I don't have the aptitude to remain on key. Of course, that leads to a lot of moaning and covering of ears when I'm singing karaoke with friends (which I rarely do, BTW). Yet, when I hear a beat, a heavy pounding beat, my lips twitch and my legs tap. I can't keep from moving.
I'm not the world's most uninhibited dancer, nor the most coordinated. In fact, I'm a bit self-conscious of my often repetitive motions. Yet, I never need liquid courage to propel me to the dance floor. I'm happiest when I'm gesticulating wildly, lip-syncing along to the words of a song (reminder: I sing off-key - see paragraph above). My boyfriend can testify that I'm ecstatic when presented with the opportunity to dance. In truth, I see every day as an opportunity to "cut a rug". For example (and probably TMI), I run around the apartment in the buff dancing to imaginary beats that I re-create in my head.
Additionally, I'm the most comfortable dancing at the clubs with my closest friends. I get all dolled up, put on my dancing shoes and I'm disappointed if there is anything less than 6 hours of continuous dancing. After a night out dancing with my gay friends, I come back with a GLOW that lasts for days. *sigh* In fact, thinking of it now makes me want to go dancing again.
Finding my calling It hit me last night. What I want to do is within my reach. I was at a volunteer appreciation event held in the ballroom on the TOP floor of the Westin St. Francis last night, which has one of the most SPECTACULAR views of the city, when my epiphany came to me. Working in Project Management is my calling. I've enjoyed learning the ins and outs of working for my current company and being provided with an opportunity to take classes about timelines, organization, communication and such in the past 2 years. Yet, more importantly, I'm thinking about going back to school for my PMP certification or an MBA.
There, I typed it. This is the big secret that I've been hiding when typing cryptic messages in my blog posts. I think that NOT typing it here was a form of self-preservation. Why? Well, because I knew that once I typed it, I would have to go through with it, I would be committing myself to action and I would be held accountable for follow up. Not only by myself, but by anyone reading this blog. I've flippantly mentioned it in the past to other family members, but I knew that WRITING it would actually be more powerful for me because as we often say in my industry, "If it isn't documented, then it didn't happen.".
Last night, as I was sitting staring at my city and speaking with other volunteers and the non-profit organizational staff and board members, I got inspired. I thought about all of my passions in life.
One passion that I've had since childhood is animals. Even though I did not follow through on my initial goal of becoming a DVM, my love for animals remains UNCHANGED. To this day, I still am very much involved in animal rescue programs both for wildlife and companion animals. In addition, I have such a heart full of love to offer orphaned animals. It is hard for me to say "no" to helping animals.
The second passion, that I unintentionally uncovered when working in my current industry is for project management. I love looking at a series of events and trying to make sense of them and drill down to a series of objectives. I like to take things and put them in their "place" and I enjoy working and leading in supportive and collaborative team environments. I never realized that during the course of my work lifetime, I have developed an uncanny ability to see minuscule details and put them in the framework of the big picture, like a puzzle.
My third and final passion is for my community. I love San Francisco. I love volunteering and helping others. Selfishly, it gives me a HIGH to give my time and money to those who need it. Not only because of the "tax breaks", but because I truly see how my time and money helps individuals (animals and human, alike) in the environment. I've been truly inspired by not only those that I've assisted, but also from my volunteer mentors.
So, can you see where I'm going with this? My current job and industry are just a means to an end that I never saw before. I really abhorred working as a Clinical Research Monitor with CROs and Big Pharma. The job really didn't challenge me in the ways that I had WANTED to be challenged at the time. If anything it was challenging my tolerance of 1) stupidity, 2) egotistical doctors, 3) bitchy nurses (they exist), 4) incompetence, 5) boredom 6)travel and 6)pain caused by being away from my boyfriend. Yet, I never thought that it would lead me here.
I'm currently managing a project, I'm leading others and I'm good at it. I have a job that allows me time for personal development and to volunteer. In the end, this is has allowed me to realize that I want more than just this industry and this job. It is this job that has shepherded me into the thought that I could be within reaching distance from the ideal career for myself. A career which could combine my strengths and my passions. A job that would allow me to eventually work with a non-profit organization that would assist animals AND humans...and to use my connections to assist that organization.
Don't hold me to it, yet...I'll work on holding myself to my thoughts.
